only time will tell
tomorrow is my last day of high school. ever.
off to the big leagues! time to face the "real world!"
while all of my teachers have been reiterating this for the last month or so, i wasn't able to sit in this bittersweet feeling of growing up until today.
that and i couldn't bring myself to think of it and fully process it until it was right in front of me.
trying to stay in the moment or something along those lines ;')
even though practically my whole life has been leading up to this point, i feel like all the inspirational speeches i had left in me were used up in my earlier years of my high school career.
my end of sophomore to junior year was definitely some of the most optimistic and aspirational times of my life, and i find it funny now that all of a sudden i feel like that version of myself was more prepared for these next steps than i am right now.
the creative energy in me was bursting at the seams, and i had all of the time in the world to entertain possible future careers and life paths i could take in an oh-so-far-away future.
maybe all of these recent talks of preparing for the world outside of our little childhood bubbles have been the dream crushing reality check that i didn't ask for or need for that matter, but i find myself frozen in time rather than having this grand trail of bread crumbs to follow anymore.
obviously the whole post-high school sense of being lost is nothing new to anyone, but i will admit that i miss the more imaginative side of myself that has recently been compromised for the hectic, anxiety-inducing events being thrown at me in the last few weeks.
and maybe it's mixed in with my newfound exploration of staying grounded or mere burnout, but i truly cannot think of something revolutionary to say right now.
(again, not that anything i say here has to be inherently revolutionary whatsoever, but i like to feel like there's a deeper purpose to my writing than just a reflection of my thought... that's what journalling and therapy is for)
and maybe that's why i felt so compelled to write something tonight.
to figure out this jumble of feelings before i actually have to face them tomorrow morning.
a projection of my fears of the unknown future and all the bells and whistles that come along with growing up and moving out.
* * *
today was my last day of high school.
everything felt pretty much the same.
that's the thing about routinely things coming to an end, it's almost unexpected even if you know it's approaching.
you go through the motions, go to all your same classes—how could things be much different?
you forcefully remind yourself despite all this lack of feeling, this is the LAST time you'll walk this pathway or the LAST time you'll be in this class.
and yet, you don't experience the feelings of nostalgia and sadness until the next day comes where you're waking up at 6:30 in the morning and getting ready for the day, realizing that you don't have a designated place to be anymore.
however, the little emotion that did arise came in bursts of 30 seconds at a time, at random intervals throughout the day.
the few seconds before getting out of my car and sitting in the parking lot for the last time, going through my yearbook in first period, zipping up my backpack in math class.
today feels like reading a book that you know is about to end, and yet feeling unfulfilled by the time you flip to the "Acknowledgements" section.
you know it's over, but you were expecting to feel... more.
throughout the day i have asked my friends if graduation will be different.
this is a break in the routine, it must be!
let me feel something for goodness sake!
* * *
tis the day after graduation !
it's been merely 24 hours since the ceremony ended, and honestly not feeling many feelings.
with big events like yesterday, come great expectations—including all of the nostalgia and sappiness you assume will accompany such a grand milestone.
the last 12 years of my education practically led up to yesterday, and yet with such high stakes it's impossible to feel so many days worth of hard work and emotion in one day !
i have a feeling it won't hit me for a few weeks, months even.
and probably in random bursts, yet again, when i pause my life for a second, look around, and realize how far i have come.
you think that graduation will automatically ensue these feelings, but alas: nothing much.
nerves, sure. but i did not shed a single tear !
however, i think this is also due partly to the fact that all of my close friends who i would cry over are the people i will get to spend the next three months with before we head our separate ways.
THAT's definitely when the emotions will go in full speed ahead.
or maybe not. who knows? only time will tell.
only time will tell.