scared of my piano

as you probably know, i am a senior in high school.

whether you're applying to the most prestigious school in the world, taking a gap year, or going straight to work, this time of life comes with one very specific right of passage.

yes, you guessed it... the great unknown, aka "what's next?", aka holy shit have 12 years of school already gone by? i am mentally still in eighth grade. what. to. do!?

i feel like in most stressful situations, such as the one presented at hand, i am fairly skilled at seeing the positive side of things—an optimist if you will.

whether it's all a big front to hide the fact that i will never ever truly know what my future holds until it meets me as the present, or the last six months in therapy have just... really done me well—that's not for me to say ( i mean, maybe that's a topic for my next session).

EITHER WAY this "fake it til you make it" mentality has worked thus far, and for the most part even in the deep depths of the stressful college app overload, i always find a way to zoom out and see the bigger picture.

the funny thing with this mindset is i have accepted the typical stresses such as not living within a 1 mile radius of all my best friends, moving out of my childhood house, or finding a way to afford living in the most expensive city in the world.

( again, i'm sure this facade will be absolutely ripped to shreds as soon as graduation hits, but that's besides the point and something for future mia to deal with! we're practicing being in the moment, remember!? )

however, this leaves rooms for silly little things to creep their way in and take these open spots instead.

and by silly little things, i mean terrifying, ginORMOUS demons.

i present you the real dilemma at hand: how the f am i supposed to thrive in college or anywhere for that matter without my guitar and piano and peaceful little sanctuary that is my lovely room?

of course, of course.

"mia, you can literally bring a guitar with you"

"mia, you're literally moving out and there will in fact be less people in your space, not more"

"mia—okay yeah, that piano thing sounds like a you problem"

HEY! my feelings are valid!!!!!!!! (and yours are too, don't forget it)

but i digress.

i am a biiiiiiiiig routine girl, and i think the thing that scares and excites me the most is the fact that no matter where i end up in 12 months, i will have to adjust and adapt to this new life.

like... i'm getting better at accepting change and letting new opportunities come my way, but DAMN! the hold that my few significant comfort things have on me is frightening.

in fact, i'm having separation anxiety from my instruments as we speak, and the last time i picked up a guitar was a mere 24 hours ago.

for anything to have such a big impact on you is kind of... scary.

but—and my ap literature ass is about to bring in the greater significance of this whole schpiel, so bare with me—this kind of ties in to the whole future, college search, senior season era.

although i've finally settled on my list of colleges i'm applying to (and as a fairly indecisive person, i'm very proud of myself for doing so), thinking about what i truly want to do with the next four, five, six years of my life??? i barely know what i'm doing... next week! ( i was gonna say tomorrow, but my type a personality can't lie ).

but realizing that i already know what i am doing with my life on a daily basis, or what i want to be doing for that matter, is definitely reassuring.

i'm not talking no i'm mia and i am going to major in marketing in new york doing with my life, but honing in on the things that i am passionate about. the things that bring me this fearful joy; the things that i love so much it scares me!!!!!!!!!

i mean, i'll admit, i'm still very much holding onto the prophecy that i'll be famous by the time i'll "need to have my life figured out" and won't need to worry as much about my success in life ( the fact that that's the way our society runs is... i'm gonna cut myself off because i can write a whole other post about that ).

my point here is: find... okay i'm slightly cringing as i type this but... find your piano if you will! find what scares you ( in the best way ). find the people that push you to be better and do things outside of your comfort zone.

*cue "scared of my piano" by maisy stella*

these are the things that make life worth living, as cliche as it sounds, but it's true! find them & follow them & never let them go.

i may be secretly terrified of how i'm gonna fit my heart and soul that is music into my busy college schedule, but who knows?

maybe it'll all work out just fine, just like it always has, and maybe in a year i'll find my way back to this dear blog of mine and have so much to tell you.

talk soon,

m. m.