peace & perspective
(i love you! hope you enjoy!)
yesterday one of my most treasured friends and angel on earth, miss emma hollander, texted me:
"i love the way you look at things"
"you just seem so at peace"
"and so trusting in the universe"
"i admire that so much"
aside from this being one of the sweetest compliments i have ever received, it's something i have failed to realize over the last few months.
well, the last few years really.
sometime lingering around freshmen year, i began to notice the little habit of social media comparisons i had acquired—a right of passage for any 21st century teen.
however, i think i quickly learned that i could cultivate a space of inspiration and creativity rather than an environment i would spiral in.
i found that everything i envied in one girl or the next was already in me, just somewhere tucked away behind the fears of judgement i hid behind for quite some time.
now mind you everything in retrospect is flawless and shiny when you look at it... and i'm writing this with the intention of... storytelling, if you will, but! alas, there is still truth in what i have to say.
my perspective on life is ever changing, but it has evolved quite rapidly over the past year or so.
regardless of the trials and tribulations i have been through, one thing has roughly maintained its integrity and that has been my power to see an outside perspective.
ever since i was a little girl, i found it natural to empathize with others, and had begun to observe all of the different views around me.
i noticed that so many people took life so seriously and were so caught up in what they saw as issues in their lives that they failed to see the bigger picture.
i am not saying by any means that i was this perfect angel child going around stress-free, making amends of whatever last week's drama was within my friend group of 9 year olds (we coined ourselves the "ohana squad" actually). in fact, as i mentioned, i shoved this curious side of me deep down in my mind, only to be found nearly ten years later.
better late than never!
as i had slowly begun to embrace these neglected parts of myself, i tapped into this inner child in my lowest moments.
this perspective allowed me to step back when things got too overwhelming, and i could see everything in the frame.
i realized in the scheme of things, nothing is that deep! and that's coming from someone who loves being dramatic...
recently i have been seeing my friends reminisce and mourn over their childhoods that are "coming to an end".
i feel like this will come off as the girl who is trying to be "different", and i swear this is an honest telling of my perspective... but i tend not to get really sad about getting older.
i think this is partially due to the "bigger picture" perspective i have emphasized, but also from past versions of me who had spent so many months in a dejected and dark place. i think i decided i was sick of being sad—easier said than done gf—and pushed this idea in an attempt of placing the worst behind me. the future is only brighter, and the fun and liberation labeled on my youth had only just begun.
i mean... i think.
but at the same time, i can see 20 year old me cringing at that, sitting genuinely depressed for the first time in her life laughing at these "dark places" i claimed to have visited, but i've mentioned it many times and i'll keep saying it: your feelings are valid!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know the worst is yet to come, i know the best is yet to come. it's all inevitable, so might as well enjoy the ride.
to honor my inner child eight grade obsessed timothée chalamet lover (yes i was 4 years ahead of the game, i take pride in it), i'll share words from the fine actor himself:
"you could be the master of your fate, you could be the captain of your soul. but you have to realize that life is coming from you and not at you, and that takes time."
recently i have come to this realization; i have control in my life and can do things for myself in the moment rather than navigating life through the perspective of some older version of myself that doesn't even exist yet.
i'm not even sure when exactly the switch flipped, but all of a sudden the girl who used to drag her mom to her elementary school friends' birthdays and sit in the corner is complimenting girls she sees on the streets and sparking conversations with people in bathroom lines at intermission for Hamilton just because they're holding glossier bags (true story).
i think it's safe to coin 2021 as the year of "full circle" moments, because before i knew it all of the things i envied in other girls reflected back in the bathroom mirror.
after i began pursuing the things i wanted to do while i still crave them rather than hesitating in fear of what a FUTURE VERSION OF MYSELF MIGHT THINK??????????ur kidding? i realized just trusting what's in front of you and accepting things as they are rather than what they could mean or how they could end up—
listen what my word vomit is trying to say is being present and grounded in life has paid off.
to respond to your texts, emma: gratitude is key, patience is key, perspective is key.
whether this be about breaking up with the boy we all thought (and still think?) she was gonna marry, anxiety over college applications, or your hair schedule not lining up with your activities this week.
the art of being "so at peace" is embracing all that you have (yes, even those neglected parts of yourself) and riding life's waves rather than letting them crash over you.
you should have expected nothing less ;)